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$19,430 Vent

September 26th, 2009 at 11:40 am

Yup, my husband is still paying back his debt. He's paid about $350 just this pay period. I just did a rough total and it's at about $19,430 that we have paid back since May 2008. I did not add up what we paid before May '08. This does not count the ATM fees that we acquired (which totaled about $200 in just two months last summer; he's since gotten better at that). This does not count overdraft fees that we have acquired due to him taking money out of the ATM that we did not have (also totaled about $200 during those same two months in the summer of '08). He is gradually getting better at this. This does not count all the "cash back" we have gotten while doing a transaction at a store in order to save a trip to the ATM so he could pay debt back. There was a period he did this instead of going to the ATM in order to save on fees. I'd rather him get a .50 pack of gum and get cash back than pay $3-4 in ATM fees. Yes, that's what was happening! The $19,430 total also does not include cash advances that he has taken to pay his debt, nor does it include the resulting fees and interest we are paying to pay those cash advances back. Again, he's getting better at this as well.

I am just to my limit. I am trying so hard to be understanding and kind. I don't want to make the panic attacks worse and I know he feels bad. However, I am getting really sick and tired of him not following how much money we have in the account, not talking to me about paying something before he pays it (admittedly, he's getting better, but he should talk to me EVERY time, as we have agreed in the past), try to put things off to the next pay period more often, etc.

My name is the only name on the account and I cannot seem to find the backbone to just put my foot down and say "no" if there is any way at all to pay it. I don't want to deal with the panic attacks and arguments that will result from not paying it. Of course, even when he does pay it, he feels so guilty that the rest of the night is usually riddled with panic attacks as well. There is no way to win.

If you couldn't tell, he's off paying a $20 debt now and I am venting. Thank you for letting me vent. I will be back to being optimistic about it all in a few hours. Smile

6 Responses to “$19,430 Vent”

  1. thriftorama Says:

    Sounds like it's time for you alone to handle paying the bills and hitting the ATM. I have done this for me and the hubby for about 5 years now, and it's worked out very well. We no longer pay ATM fees or late fees and if he wants to buy something bigger, he asks if we can afford it first. It's much easier to keep tabs on balances when one person knows everything that is going in and out.

  2. creditcardfree Says:

    I never quite get what kind of "debt" your husband has that you seem not to know what it is. Don't statements come in the mail? The only other thought that runs through my mind when you write about his debts is that your husband has a gambling addiction. Is that a possibility?

    A $20 debt seems like an odd one to run off and pay...unless you were going to a casino.

    I apologize if I'm way off. Please feel free to delete the post if necessary...but I just wanted to put the red flag up if you haven't seen it.

  3. Personal Finance Student Says:

    Creditcardfree, yes, I have seen the red flag and I have asked him about this. I honestly believe him though when he says that that is not it. He gave A LOT of money away to help a homeless man over a number of months. He borrowed this money from others instead of asking me if we could afford it. He knows this was wrong and one reason he feels so guilty. Anyway, he started to rob Peter to pay Paul (borrowing from others to pay the first), because he still didn't want to tell me and that's how all this started. It's such a mess now, because no one wrote anything down. So, whenever he (or one of the people he borrowed from) remembers, he pays. It's usually in smaller amounts like 420, $40 or $60. That's why it's so hard, it's smaller amounts, but obviously adds up to quite a big number. There were a few times he borrowed from coworkers to eat lunch out with them. That debt's been thrown in there too since it was borrowed during the same time frame, but the homeless man was the main recipient. My husband has promised not to borrow or lend money anymore and hasn't since June '08, but it was such a big mess, we're still cleaning it up.

    As you suggested, I may delete this post in the future. I don't like to reread the frustrations as much since it's still fresh and I don't want to reignite the feelings, ya' know? I'd rather have a lot of optimistic ones that I can go back to and pull strength from. These are real feelings though which are important to share as well. Anyway, thanks for the support.

  4. creditcardfree Says:

    You sure don't need to delete your post if you don't want. I only wanted you to delete my comment if it was inappropriate. I'm glad to hear you are aware of the gambling possibility.

    ((Hugs)) I appreciate your sharing your situation/feelings and wish you the very best in getting through this together.

  5. ceejay74 Says:

    $20,000 in $50 increments? That's like 800 people he borrowed from--unless people he borrowed from are now "double-dipping" because they know your husband will pay them and doesn't quite remember what he owes.

  6. Personal Finance Student Says:

    ceejay74 - I know, I have done the math too and it's depressing. There were a LOT of people, but not 800. There were a number of individuals who he owed a lot to, but remembered them in small amounts since that's how he borrowed it. Also, apparently there were times that he said he'd pay back double what he borrowed (I know, don't get me started.). I have voiced my concern about the double-dipping myself, numerous times, over last year, but he trusts these people and says that it's right. I just want to be done and somehow KNOW that we're done. Hopefully that's on the horizon sometime soon. Fingers crossed, it's been a full day since he paid any debts. Smile

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